I used to take melatonin every week on Sundays in order to fall asleep. It became a ritual of sorts. Finish doing nothing (or what my family would consider nothing,) wash my face, wash my teeth, gag a bit from scraping my tongue, put on moisturizer, stare at my reflection for a second too long, sit on my bed, look outside to remind myself it’s far too ridiculous to still be up, close the lights, quietly open the pill bottle, take a pill, let it sit on my tongue, drink some water, leave the bottle on the bed, lay down, charge my phone, play solitaire, set an alarm, continue playing solitaire, drift away. Now, nobody sleeps. Corporations developed a new drug, called it Penumbra. You no longer needed to sleep and could function perfectly fine so long as you take at least a thirty-minute nap within the day. I heard about the drug on Facebook but scrolled past it. I either sleep too much or too little, there’s no need to ask something else to decide for me. Then, the family group chats wouldn’t stop ringing about the miracles technology has brought us. Then, my entire family was on it. They’d joke and say they could all be like me, not sleep and work all day. Except of course, I don’t work. I just live without dying.
I was gifted Penumbra on Christmas when my seasonal depression would normally hit. I call it seasonal because it makes it less concerning to me, in reality, I probably just become more aware of it during the colder days when going outside takes too much effort. I don’t know if I’d call it depression, but the internet told me that’s what emptiness is called. I’ve never had a lover before because I struggle to love and care about others as much as I care about myself, but it’s kinda funny that I’m simultaneously suicidal (sometimes.) I do want to die but I don’t want to kill myself. I like other people but I don’t want to love them. I hate other people, but I don’t want to kill them. Love feels good, that’s what my friends told me. But if I love someone, it’ll hurt me. Loving my family hurts me. So it’s just easier for me to not.
Hikikomori. It means “pulling inward” in Japanese, and describes the socially withdrawn hermits that live in their apartments. I live comfortably, so I already have an advantage and head start. I recently bought the newest Virtual Reality game set, which allows me to live programmed lives and be the hero of my own “life.” I’ve never opened it yet though. It sits under the television set in my room, connected to the TV but never touched. It’s clean though, I take care to dust it every now and then. Probably the only clean thing in my room right now. I clean my room once every week. It always gets messy in the end so I only clean it once because if I cleaned it twice it’d just be a hassle and nobody goes into my room except myself. If anyone was ever coming over though, I’ll clean it. They don’t know me like the body mirror in my room does. I also take note to post on social media every two days, to remind people of the chaotic persona I’ve created. It’s me, but not really.
I was tempted to take Penumbra several times, just like the several times I was tempted to take the Adderall, MDMA, and Xanax my friends offered me. I had a former love interest who died of a heart attack, but it’s probably the Xanax and codeine he ingests. I liked him a lot, but I wonder if I liked him because he was him or because he had parts of myself in him. I like myself, and he reminds me of myself, but I don’t love myself, so I don’t love him. But maybe I could’ve, but he died. I wonder if my friends would still offer me the pills if they knew that I knew someone who died from it. Penumbra is over the counter, so nobody offers me that. Maybe if someone gave it to me in a party, I’d take it. My Penumbra bottle sits unbothered in my bedside drawer. I could take it any time and let myself be awake, but I don’t really know what I want to be awake for. What do I know though? I never had a doctor explain how Penumbra works, and it seems like it helps everyone function well. My father had an excellent economic year, and my cousin passed his SAT’s with flying marks. I don’t need help to do anything though, I’m just fine now. That’s what I think, but here I am shoving 6 pills into my mouth.
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